The Real Reason I Dyed My Hair Pink
- Aisling
- May 18, 2017
- 3 min read
This is a little more of a personal post than I usually write but perhaps it might help someone who is going through something difficult at the moment.
I have always wanted to dye my hair pink. I have obsessed over it for years, I have lost hours of my life pouring over and pinning pictures of all different shades of pink hair but I have never had the courage to actually do it. I made excuses to myself like I couldn't really have pink hair in work or what if I didn't like it and I couldn't remove it. The truth of the matter really was that I was scared. Sounds stupid I know but that was all it really boiled down to.
A couple of months ago I went to the doctors for a few tests. I hadn’t been feeling myself for a long time both physically and mentally and I had put it off for too long so I bit the bullet and went for some tests. The tests confirmed what I already feared (through the magic of Dr. Google) and I was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS).
PCOS is in basic terms when a woman's hormones are out of whack. It can cause lack of periods and possible fertility issues. In the grand scheme of life it is not a terribly serious condition and for which I am grateful. However, it does cause some crazy physical symptoms such as weight gain, acne and excess hair due to the imbalance in your hormones and you know what, I will be completely honest, I found this part very hard to take. Full disclosure, I felt less of a woman.
I don’t consider myself as much of a control freak, in fact I am pretty relaxed about most things but in that moment where the doctor was telling me what I was dealing with, the possibility of finding it difficult to have children, the undesirable physical symptoms my mind started racing, searching for some element of this to control. My brain searched feverishly but I couldn’t seem to grasp onto anything and I found myself tethering on the edge of the rabbit hole that is anxiety and depression and I really did not want to fall in.
I tried hard not to but I slipped and I fell down the rabbit hole.
I spent the following few weeks mentally punishing myself. I took the medication that the doctor prescribed me to take and outwardly I probably behaved as normally but inside I was crushed . Every single insecurity I have ever had about my appearance and my body reared their ugly heads. Even though I was struggling I have done enough work on myself over the years to know when I really need to practice self-care and my god I really needed it this time.
I meditated, I tapped, I read, I wrote and slowly I began to calm down and take control of both my mind and the situation again. I knew I needed to do something radical to feel in control again but something that was mentally safe for me, something that would make me feel better about myself.
Easter weekend I had four days to myself so I took the plunge and dyed my hair pink. Rose gold in fact. I loved it but more importantly it made me feel like I was back in the driving seat, back in control of me and that life was worth being excited about again. It lit a fire in my belly where before there was a pit of sadness. The small insignificant act of colouring my hair had sent a message to my brain, that we were back in business, we were in a better place again.
In the weeks that followed I grew tired of dying my hair every few days so now I am a blonde again but I still have that little fire in my belly. My medication is working, I am working out and seeing results but most importantly I am mentally feeling better, stronger and more confident than ever.
My reason for sharing this story is that if even one person who is reading this has ever felt scared, out of control or just sad, know what you are not alone and that this feeling will not last. Know that you are worth everything, no matter what you look like or what the scales say.
I understand, I feel you and I think it always helps to know that there is someone out there that knows what you are going through.
I hope wherever you are reading this that you feel strong, courageous and ready to take on the world even if that first step is something as small as dying your hair pink.
Keep being your awesome self.
Aisling
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